{"id":44331,"date":"2019-12-23T18:52:48","date_gmt":"2019-12-23T18:52:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.ae.com\/aerie-real-life\/?p=44331"},"modified":"2020-01-02T21:20:02","modified_gmt":"2020-01-02T21:20:02","slug":"mental-health-real-talk-ashley-prout-mcavey-on-mental-health-awareness-suicide-prevention","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ae.com\/aerie-real-life\/2019\/12\/23\/mental-health-real-talk-ashley-prout-mcavey-on-mental-health-awareness-suicide-prevention\/","title":{"rendered":"Mental Health Real Talk with Ashley Prout McAvey"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

When we ask you, our Aerie fam, what\u2019s important to you,\nmental health issues are always top of mind. We\u2019re proud to start that\nconversation today with Ashley Prout McAvey\u2019s story, one of strength, honesty\nand compassion following her older brother\u2019s suicide. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Read Ashley\u2019s story below, then see some essential resources\nthat she recommends, as well as supportive ways to get help if you or anyone\nyou know may be struggling.   <\/p>\n\n\n\n

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On April 9, 2016, my beautiful brother and dearest friend, Ian Uppercu Prout, ended his life. From that point on, my life, and my family\u2019s, was split into two distinct periods: before April 9 and after April 9.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Ian was two years older than me. My big brother. We shared a\nroom when we were little, and when I was three I was afraid of the dark, so\nevery night I would say to him, \u201cBrudy, turn around and look at me. Keep your\neyes open.\u201d I knew if he was watching me, protecting me from the dark, I would\nhave nothing to fear. He dutifully rolled his weary five-year-old body toward\nme and he would watch me until I fell asleep\u2014 every night. That was just the\nbeginning. He grew into the most handsome, generous, kind, funny brother in the\nworld. He owned a successful sports car driving business, and he held five track\nrecords at the most prominent race car tracks in the country. He had a\nwonderful girlfriend, amazing friends, an incredible home, a niece and nephew\nwho adored him. And he had me, the proudest sister in the world, and my Mom and\nDad, who gave both of us\u2014in equal measure\u2014love, support, and every opportunity\nimaginable. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

In spite of all this, Ian\u2019s desire to keep it all together,\nand perhaps to not burden us with any of his struggles, became too much. His\nlast act was not selfish. It was desperate. Suicide is not selfish. It is\ndesperate. This revelation changed everything for me, and what happened in the days\nand weeks following Ian\u2019s death was, for me, the biggest shift in perspective\nI\u2019ve ever had in my life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The pain of that finality, that physical loss, cannot be put\ninto words. The deeper layer suicide survivors face\u2014the questions\u2014are haunting,\nparticularly when the beautiful soul who perishes expended vast amounts of\nenergy to keep their struggles so well hidden, as was the case with Ian. For those\nof us who remained, the questions came relentlessly: When did Ian\u2019s pain begin?\nWhen was the first time he thought suicide was an answer? How could we have not\nseen the degree to which he was hurting? Why didn\u2019t he let us try to help him?\nHow in the world could he think that we would be ok without him?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Several years ago, there was a suicide near our family. I\ndistinctly remember talking to Ian about it. I was deeply saddened for the\nfamily and I also recall repeatedly saying, \u201cBut how selfish!\u201d Ian didn\u2019t\nrespond and he didn\u2019t argue with me. He was just quiet, perhaps being careful\nto keep his own inner struggles to himself. Or maybe he didn\u2019t want to defend\nthis desperate soul because if he did, I might start questioning him. Or maybe\nhis silence acknowledged the often-accepted platitude in our society\u2014the\nfallacy\u2014that suicide is selfish; that it is someone else\u2019s problem; that it is\nsomething one does to <\/em>their loved\nones. This could not be further from the truth. I now realize that the only selfish\none in that conversation was me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Before April 9, I did think suicide was selfish. I thought\nit was for \u201cother people\u201d\u2014 people with obvious problems that surely their loved\nones could have easily picked up on. I thought, \u201cHow sad for them.\u201d I thought,\n\u201cThank God that will never be me.\u201d How wrong I was.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The questions swirl and swirl, and while immeasurable pain\nremains, I have achieved some peace in the realization that despite his inner\nturmoil, Ian knew how deeply he was loved, and we knew how deeply he loved us\nin return. It is that simple. To quiet the questions, I have found peace in\nthis reality. To do something with my pain, however, I will shine a desperately\nneeded spotlight on mental health and suicide awareness and suicide prevention.\nNo one should die by suicide; no one should have to live with the pain of\nhaving a loved one lost to suicide.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Getting the conversation started, without stigma, is\ncritical. Suicide is currently the tenth leading cause of death in the United\nStates. Ninety percent of those who end their lives suffer from a mental health\ncondition (most often depression), and often, as was the case with Ian, it is\nundiagnosed. Suicide is the second leading cause of death for people aged 15-34.\nJust as someone is never ashamed of battling cancer, we absolutely must not be ashamed\nas we battle depression or mental illness, in any of its forms.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Since April 9, 2016, I have been grateful to have many platforms to broadcast my message of hope\u2014 television, radio, newspaper, Out of the Darkness Walks benefiting the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, an Ignite (mini TED) talk, helping to bring Deconstructing Stigma to the Burlington International Airport, delivering testimony at the Vermont State House, and getting certified in the Vermont Suicide Prevention Center\u2019s Umatter<\/em> suicide prevention training and taking Ian\u2019s story and my message of empowerment to middle schoolers in Vermont. I am also tremendously proud of my 11-year-old daughter, Elle, Ian’s beloved niece. Elle has taken it upon herself to honor her uncle through art and action in her middle school. Elle created two beautiful art pieces that have been posted on her blog through the Young Writers Project<\/a> and she spoke to hundreds of people of all ages at the 2018 Burlington Out of the Darkness Suicide Prevention walk benefiting the AFSP. As a middle school student, Elle is working hard to make sure that people her age get help when they need it and that everyone knows there is hope and that we all have to help each other. She also works to raise awareness by making sure language around mental health and suicide prevention is always helpful, not hurtful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When Ian made the decision to end his life on Earth, he gave\nus a clarity about suicide that otherwise we never would have had. And with\nthis gift comes the responsibility to speak and to act and to affect change. I\nknow that we can grace this world with a wave of compassion, research, and\nadvocacy to save others and to spare their families the absolute devastation\nthat we as survivors know all too well. We can do this for our loved ones gone\ntoo soon and for ourselves. There is no more beautiful way to honor those we\nhave lost. No more beautiful way to be sure that their suffering was not\nempty\u2014that it was not meaningless. Indeed, it is their suffering that fuels us\nto act and it is their suffering that will ultimately be life-saving for\nothers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

To anyone who is suffering, I say emphatically that you are\nnot alone and you are not frail, you are not crazy, you are not broken. You are\na human who has needs that have not been met. And whether it is a chemical imbalance\nin your brain or other natural psychological needs that are not being met\n(feeling like you belong, that you are valued by friends and family, that your\nlife has purpose, that you feel you have a future on this planet) or a\ncombination of the two, none of this is your fault. You are part of the human experience\nand above everything else, there can be no shame at all in whatever is going on\nin your mind, body, and soul. You did not ask for this. No one asks to live\nwith a deep depression or addiction, with a palpable pain. No one asks to be\nconfused by their life\u2019s path or to feel a pain so profound that it feels as\nthough that pain is oozing out of them or that they have a heavy boulder on\ntheir chest. No one should feel that the only way to end their pain is death.\nWhat a terrifying and horrible way to live\u2014 the only thing worse would be to be\nfeeling these things alone, in isolation, in shame, all the while feeling hopeless.\nPerhaps those who end their lives are, as a friend said to me hours after Ian passed,\ntoo beautiful for this world, too sensitive for this world. If this is the\ncase, let us make it perfectly clear that we are even more so looking out for\neach other. Let\u2019s look for signs, known as co-morbidity factors, such as\nsubstance abuse, mental illnesses, eating disorders, and addictions. Let us\nlook for these signs, and most of all let us ask the question: Are you ok? Are\nyou thinking about suicide? We cannot be afraid to put these questions out\nthere, clear as day. And particularly to those who suffer silently: You will never\nbe a burden to me. You are so precious to us. You are not alone. There is no\nshame in being human. Most of all, let us remind them that in sharing their\nburden, they will be trusting us to help them, and that is a gift to all of us.\nMore than a gift, it is their obligation to ask for help. And for anyone who is\nsuffering, while none of this is your fault, it is up to you to take care of\nyourself, to ask for help, to get help, and to know deep in your soul that it\nwill get better. It is then our obligation as a society to be there with open\narms, without judgement, and with a promise that it will get better\u2014 and that\nwe will stand by them every second until it does. We are in this together. And,\ntogether, we will create a world without suicide.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I share the following resources as they provide\nexcellent information to help you or anyone suffering. The\nthree websites have a tremendous amount of information dealing with\nprevention, education, and hope for those affected by suicide\nso that we truly can create a world without\nsuicide. These resources provide the tools we all need to be an\nintelligent and proactive society\u2014and they remind us that no one should\nbe hurting in isolation. You are not alone and you must ask for\nhelp:<\/p>\n\n\n\n